howling_alice: (halo of the sun)

...since being drawn back to Silent Hill and subsequently wondering if I'm Heather:

(*but not necessarily meaningful)

+ Heather shares many traits with my other fictotypes, including fear of fire, wandering about in dark/strange Otherworlds, being a trauma survivor, having a direct connection to God in some form (seems to be two different gods but noteworthy), and having a dead father. Notably, they also all experience (perhaps with the exception of AMA!Alice) something that might be deemed alterhuman in some way, if you think about it. As Akito I was essentially a godshard. As Cheshire!Alice I was... kind of fictionkin of myself (Classic!Alice) in that I stumbled out into the regular world with no memories except being Alice and exploring Wonderland. And Heather is a shard/reincarnation of Alessa, and arguably divine. 


+
When I began to feel the pull back toward Silent Hill, I noticed that after a short while, maybe 3 weeks, my tokophobia? Previously severe and debilitating? Has calmed down enough to the point where I could watch part of an episode of BoJack Horseman involving the topic of abortion. I listened to them say it like 9 times before I decided not to push it and turn it off. I even just spelled out the word abortion without cringing. Like, its still uncomfortable but for some inexplicable reason this phobia just decided to chill out for...idk how long it'll be. It seems to have died down as quickly as it first showed up, maybe 2 and a half years ago. 

That's interesting considering the fertility themes throughout Silent Hill and especially in SH3, where I was literally carrying God for most of the game, until I consumed the aglaophotis and vomited God up, essentially aborting Her. And for some reason, talking about it doesn't bother me right now. I also, oddly enough, wasn't massively triggered when the topic came up in the games, or when it was hinted at in any way. I chalked that up mostly to it being really symbolic and not literal but now idk. It's weird. 
 

+ Speaking of aglaophotis, I knew it was something that the game referenced that actually existed outside of them, but couldn't find anything much beyond a Wikipedia stub on it (haven't checked Google Scholar yet) and it mentioned the herb aglaophotis is speculated (with little evidence but it seems like there's not a lot to go on?) to be a kind of peony, specifically Paeonia officinalis, which looks like this:

 

Meanwhile, as Akito I was represented as God by the camellia flower, which looks like this:

Probably a total coincidence bc flowers can look similar. Even though these are from two different parts of the word. I think it'd be a reach to say this is significant if there's no actual evidence backing up that aglaophotis is peony and the flowers just happen to look similar but it did make me go "oh huh :o"

EDIT: I had a hunch and looked it up. Aglaophotis is used to exorcise demons, and when Heather swallowed it, it caused the abortion of God. Meanwhile, peony is an abortofacient. Potentially a purposeful move by the writers? 

howling_alice: (ranting and raving)
I fucking hate Elsa. She is literally the second worst forum admin I've ever had the displeasure of knowing, and the worst forum admin I've ever had the displeasure of being a mod FOR. And this is coming from someone who used to mod SHIRO'S fucking forums.

She doesn't give a fuck about the opinions of the other admin or staff members, and bitches at the other admin for doing stuff "without consulting her first" when its actually USEFUL and only in the DISCORD CHAT and NOT EVEN ON THE WEBSITE but then will just change shit on the forums without asking the other admin or staff first, and even if we disagree, she fucking DOES IT ANYWAY and then gives me this passive-aggressive "sorry it bothers you" like

NO
FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU.

But if I step down I cannot do it quietly. I will step down and tell her EXACTLY why. And if I do that I have to leave the entire forum because she'll just be an extra mega bitch to me personally if I stay, and I don't wanna deal with that. But if I leave, then I have nowhere else to go and I'll be alone except for my tiny circle of friends and wont have ANYWHERE ELSE. NOWHERE.

I'm fucking stuck here. I regret EVER asking to be a mod. I had hoped to have some influence and gain some respect since I've been around so long and I feel like I contribute some fluffbusting and genuinely experienced advice but she just. Doesn't fucking listen. She does what she wants.

She made a fucking fictionkin social network WITH ITS OWN FORUMS in ADDITION to fictionkin.com, and then eventually deleted the forums, but only deleted the network a few weeks ago despite NO ONE USING IT.

She also made an ENTIRE DISNEY KIN FORUM. HOW MANY PEOPLE DOES SHE THINK WILL ACTUALLY JOIN THAT???? NONE. NOT ENOUGH FOR IT TO BE ACTIVE.

FUCK she is denser than a goddamn rock and a raging bitch and she's ruined her whole source material for me like. I liked Frozen before I fucking met her.

And to top it off, she's FACTKIN and I KNOW she's salty about my hatred and dislike of them.

I think she honestly just hates ME because I don't agree with every little fucking thing she says.

But she is like. The ONLY problem I have with the forum.

Its just unfortunate she's the OWNER.

My friend said they're used to being on FurAffinity's forums where everyone hates the staff and no one can leave and honestly its just. Too true. And this is why I have nowhere to go. ALL the forums are shit now because I hate the staff and/or the people on the forum.

The only place I might have left is the Daemon Forums but they're...pretty much just for daemonism and I dont really actively participate or have much to say there.

Really I hardly participate in the fictionkin.com forums. I mostly stick to the Discord chat.

But I just. I can't bring myself to LEAVE.

I hate that I ever asked to be made a mod. Hate myself for it. Wanna go back in time and tell myself not to do it. But I dont have that option now.

Rock and a hard place.

Fuuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I need a stronger work than fuck.

My blood pressure is up, my body is tense, Im grinding my teeth again, goddamn it all.
howling_alice: (vanish)
So I had a really intense dream that I'm gonna copypaste my Facebook summary of here so I never forget it. It was important. I think it was one that took place somewhere in the actual spiritual plane somewhere. I think the girl I met is real somewhere. She's a real person or being of some sort and now I gotta know who she is because I'm fucking in love with her.

_____

I decided to go out for a walk to town or something
and I got lost
and this bus/train thing stopped and I got on for some reason. I think I thought it would take me the rght direction
But for some reason something went wrong and i started panicking
and I asked to use someone's phone to call my mom and everyone was trying to help me all at once and there were all these sounds and I started hand flapping and melting down because I couldnt process it all
and i told them I was autistic and was having a hard time understanding them
and then there was just
a gentle hand on my back
gentle back rubs
and I sat down
and this cute girl who looked like a cross between a few girls I know
just sat down with me and offered to let me use her phone
But what happened instead was we stayed on the bus
And when we got off
she was standing in the doors of another train
holding 2 cardboard signs
I cant remember the exact wording but the first said "Take a risk ❤"
and the second followed it up with something like "live a little"
and so I followed her onto the second train
and I asked if it would take me home, but it was taking us waaayyy further from home up into Pennsylvania
So I sat next to her and put my arm around her like it was the most natural thing
I noticed she had these really cool tattoos
They were blacklight tats
and one covered her entire forearm and was a shimmering pot leaf with these cool designs
and it was hand-poked, not done with a machine
and I said "wow" and showed her my wedding ring and was like "all I have are a few shitty stick n pokes"
and she stopped me
and said "no, they're not shit. You sat there and lovingly endured the pain yourself for that. That's more personal than some machine" and she made a machine buzzing noise "to me."
And so I nodded, and I cuddled her
and she put her arm around me
and I kissed her shoulder without even thinking about it
and she didnt mind at all
We even mentioned we felt like it was fate that brought us together
Her parents were traveling tarot card readers or something and she was going to visit them in PA
so i was going with her, apparently
I was worried that my mom would be pissed, but something about this girl just kept me calm
When we got off the bus, I couldnt find her for a bit, and that's when i started realizing it was a dream and got scared
but she showed up and hugged me and told me it was ok and she was here with mee
and we tried figuring out plans for where I was staying and how she'd take me home
but that's when I started waking up
so I grabbed her
and held her close
and kissed her
and it felt so vivid
I can still feel her lips
and I told her Id see her again and not to forget me.
and woke up
and now I wanna tattoo something on myself in blacklight ink in honor of her

___

When I woke up, and realized I could still feel her existing...somewhere...I thought she might have been my Husband (Loki) in disguise. But for some reason that doesn't quite feel right. I don't think it was him. But I DO think she's a being that exists somewhere and I need to know who she is and I have to see her again. I can't just. Leave it there. And I AM gonna hand-poke a tattoo on myself somewhere in honor of her. Idk if blacklight ink, or just white ink, at this point, because there's debate over the safety of UV inks. That, and I'd have to order a bottle of the stuff myself, whereas I think my mom's husband already has white ink I could steal.

Gods. Still reeling from that, though.
howling_alice: (Default)
I often find myself thinking about the weird space I occupy as someone who experiences both misogyny and transphobia, but not the intersection of the two.

It's not something that I've ever seen come up in discourse (for understandable reasons I suppose.) Or anywhere really. I've never seen anyone stop to examine that weird gender space (for whatever reasons and there may be a few) or even acknowledge that it exists? Like there just seems to be this jump between "GNC/non-trans NB women who experience misogyny but don't experience transphobia" and "DFAB NB people who experience transphobia but not misogyny."

And like, it makes me worry that people are just gonna force me to pick between being a cis woman and only experiencing misogyny or being a NB person and only experiencing transphobia like DFAB NB people can't experience both. And yet here I am.

Like I've legit just heard people say that DFAB demigirls don't experience transphobia but like. Sorry I'm pretty sure that being abused and misgendered and having transition resources withheld from me because I'm nonbinary constitutes transphobia. And I'm pretty sure that my political and social alignment with women based on not only personal comfort, but common experiences/the way I'm percieved/treated by society AND how I internalize it as attacks against myself constitutes experiencing misogyny.

But I just. I don't see this explored ever. And again, there may be more important discussions to be had than this weird-ass nuanced space I occupy. I just also know I'm not the only person in this space. And I wonder sometimes if discussions can be had about the simultaneous experience of transphobia and misogyny without the overlap of the two can be had without taking away from discussions about transmisogyny. Like obviously I'm gonna put discussions of transmisogyny over discussions of this weird unexplored gender space but I just wonder if the conversation can ever be had?

Idk. It's 3am.
howling_alice: (Default)
Sorry my DW is so miserable and boring all the time.
howling_alice: (Default)
Something I think about a lot is like
there's a nounself pronoun set that I found categorized as "existence-based pronouns"

and it's 
  • BE/AM/IS/IS/AMSELF
And like. Practically, there's no hope of ever coherently using them. But conceptually? Blew my mind. It was right there the whole time. xD We were such fools. 

howling_alice: (Default)
 

So I started hand-embroidering patches, and the image on the left is the Type O Negative logo patch I did! \o/ Hell yea. Savin so much money on patches for my battle vest. 

Second patch is gonna be that hammer and sickle image I like but in the demigirl flag colors. I've started working on it already but I dont feel like taking a picture until the outline is done. I gotta figure out how Im doing the darker grey/lighter grey combo distinction though because I only have one grey, I think. Might try combining it with some white threads, idk. 

howling_alice: (Default)
 So of course as I'm becoming stressed about therapy and addressing my sexual abuse issues, talking about how I could only trust another survivor for therapy, in pops a fictive who is a social worker and survivor and someone who deals with alternate realities.

Damn, that's cool.
howling_alice: (Default)
(Originally posted on Tumblr, by me)

My awakening to the wolf in me was not a single event, but a process, I think.

When I was a small child, I distinctly remember some behaviors and thoughts that stand out to me now as very non-human in the context of my later experiences…

I remember being jealous of my dog, the way she slept, and ate, and ran. I tried to be like a dog. I remember curling up and trying to sleep the way canines do, ignoring the pain and discomfort it caused to make myself more canine, if only in this small way. I would sometimes sit in my room for hours “pretending” to be canine, eating from a bowl on the floor, trying to scratch my ears with my foot, and awkwardly trying to run on four legs, limbs all gangling and strange. This continued for a long time.

Then, as I grew up, there were games. I don’t think it’s uncommon for groups of children to play animal games, but the way that I felt during them was so glaringly different to me. When I joined in a middle school werewolf pack game, something in me *clicked*. I was a wolf, and it was right, and I had this opportunity to be wolf without restriction or negative reaction, but it became clear very quickly that I was far more serious about it than the others. To them, it was a game. They made jokes and mocked me when I got upset with them for acting more like humans than wolves. Why were they so “out-of-character”, for lack of a better term? Why didn’t they feel the same need to be so fully canine that I did? Why, when we howled together, did they not feel the same shift in being that I did—the same animality?

And when we howled, I did shift. I noticed it every time. I thought it was part of the game until I realized I was the only one actually affected by it or acting more beast-like at all. I still didn’t know exactly what it was, though.

It wasn’t until my 11th or 12th birthday that I stumbled across it while surfing a website called The Experience Project. The group was called “I am a Therianthropic Werewolf.” I was intrigued, and looked into it. What I found were people who reported the exact same feelings I’d been having my whole life. Feelings of being an animal, of “shifting”*, phantom paws and ears and a tail that had never been there before. I was astonished. There was a word for it and there were others like me and I finally knew why I felt the way I did. I told my best friend at the time, who confided in me that she had felt the same way about dragons for just as long.

From there, I ended up walking a tightrope between extreme fluff and being well-versed and knowledgeable on the experience of therianthropy. I wrote essays and spent a lot of time thinking about myself as wolf and the nature of therianthropy and where it came from. At the same time, though, I had fallen back on what I knew of animal games from earlier childhood and made a pack with my best friend (an actual nonhuman**) and another friend of ours at the time (who I believe was pretending and never really grasped therianthropy). We eventually added two more members, an Elenari elf, and a person we thought was human, but who was close enough that we added her anyway. I still believe forming that pack was more an act of middle school suburban boredom, especially because we became preoccupied with trying to physically shapeshift (which is impossible, as much as I’d love to believe otherwise), and wrote “prophecies” foretelling the second coming of the “Corruption” (related to our Elenari friend.) This played out until maybe the middle of my 7th grade year. 9th grade is where it ultimately stopped and we experienced a lot of fighting when I officially disbanded the “pack” that had been all but disbanded anyway. Eventually, though, we moved on. We no longer needed our bored suburban kid fantasies.

For someone who was just playing pretend until this point, this would probably be the time when they would “grow out of it” and drop any identification as an animal person, and I did question myself a LOT after we disbanded. I considered not calling myself a therian anymore multiple times, but…something made me keep it. Some part of me still felt not quite right with calling myself human. So I kept it tucked away in the back of my mind for a long time. And then forgot about it.

Two years passed.

I hadn’t been part of the therian community for a long time, at this point. The most that I thought about it was in those moments where I was stuck in a mental slide, which became rarer. Sometimes I’d mention my animality in passing, or tell a partner because I thought it was important in case I eclipsed around them. But for the most part, it had entirely left my mind, until I met the person who would eventually become my fiance and joined pagan Tumblr. I had noted a number of otherkin among the pagans I became friends with, and when my fiance*** began questioning their own nonhumanity, I was forced to re-examine why I had ever thought I was a wolf. I researched wolf behavior and found it was still in line with the ways I had behaved during eclipses/mental slides. I put forth my experiences to two other nonhumans in as honest and detailed a way as I could, and they both agreed I sounded like a wolf therian. When I felt out for my phantom paws and ears, they were still there. And when I looked at wolves, especially melanistic grey wolves, I still had the strongest sense of…seeing myself.

The fact that, even though I had effectively forgotten about my identity for so long, I could still feel so strongly canine was probably what really solidified it for me. That was the “proof” I needed for myself to make sure it wasn’t all the result of middle school power fantasy. I needed to question it and peel it apart and make sure it was genuine. And it was. It still is.

I still rarely think about myself as wolf, now, unless something triggers an eclipse or I’m actively engaging with the community. The only other time it hits is when I feel species dysphoria, but that’s another essay. However, regardless of whether I’m aware of my animality at all times or not, I can be confident that it is still there. I am still wolf, with all that comes with it.

My journey to “Awakening” was not a single event, but a long process of questioning, picking it apart and being honest with myself about what I was experiencing, and the conviction it affords me now was worth every bit of questioning and skepticism I put myself through. I sought the truth about my identity, and I found it.

I am a wolf. That is my truth.

______

*I consider myself a suntherian despite debate over terminology. When I first came into the community, there was a large focus on shifting, and the way it was described never quite fit with me. I didn’t shift so much as…eclipse (thanks to Sonne for mentioning this word in a discussion of suntherianthropy on Werelist). I would slide slightly toward “more wolf” or “more human” while I honestly felt like a bizarre mix of both at all times. I still rarely experience the kind of shifts I heard others talking about, outside of maybe phantom ones.

**for the purposes of reducing wordiness, I will refer to therians/kin as nonhuman and non-kin/therians as human. I am more than aware that we are all, physically speaking, human.

***I will refer to hir as my fiance, even in retrospect, for convenience.

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howling_alice

December 2016

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