howling_alice: (halo of the sun)
[personal profile] howling_alice

...since being drawn back to Silent Hill and subsequently wondering if I'm Heather:

(*but not necessarily meaningful)

+ Heather shares many traits with my other fictotypes, including fear of fire, wandering about in dark/strange Otherworlds, being a trauma survivor, having a direct connection to God in some form (seems to be two different gods but noteworthy), and having a dead father. Notably, they also all experience (perhaps with the exception of AMA!Alice) something that might be deemed alterhuman in some way, if you think about it. As Akito I was essentially a godshard. As Cheshire!Alice I was... kind of fictionkin of myself (Classic!Alice) in that I stumbled out into the regular world with no memories except being Alice and exploring Wonderland. And Heather is a shard/reincarnation of Alessa, and arguably divine. 


+
When I began to feel the pull back toward Silent Hill, I noticed that after a short while, maybe 3 weeks, my tokophobia? Previously severe and debilitating? Has calmed down enough to the point where I could watch part of an episode of BoJack Horseman involving the topic of abortion. I listened to them say it like 9 times before I decided not to push it and turn it off. I even just spelled out the word abortion without cringing. Like, its still uncomfortable but for some inexplicable reason this phobia just decided to chill out for...idk how long it'll be. It seems to have died down as quickly as it first showed up, maybe 2 and a half years ago. 

That's interesting considering the fertility themes throughout Silent Hill and especially in SH3, where I was literally carrying God for most of the game, until I consumed the aglaophotis and vomited God up, essentially aborting Her. And for some reason, talking about it doesn't bother me right now. I also, oddly enough, wasn't massively triggered when the topic came up in the games, or when it was hinted at in any way. I chalked that up mostly to it being really symbolic and not literal but now idk. It's weird. 
 

+ Speaking of aglaophotis, I knew it was something that the game referenced that actually existed outside of them, but couldn't find anything much beyond a Wikipedia stub on it (haven't checked Google Scholar yet) and it mentioned the herb aglaophotis is speculated (with little evidence but it seems like there's not a lot to go on?) to be a kind of peony, specifically Paeonia officinalis, which looks like this:

 

Meanwhile, as Akito I was represented as God by the camellia flower, which looks like this:

Probably a total coincidence bc flowers can look similar. Even though these are from two different parts of the word. I think it'd be a reach to say this is significant if there's no actual evidence backing up that aglaophotis is peony and the flowers just happen to look similar but it did make me go "oh huh :o"

EDIT: I had a hunch and looked it up. Aglaophotis is used to exorcise demons, and when Heather swallowed it, it caused the abortion of God. Meanwhile, peony is an abortofacient. Potentially a purposeful move by the writers? 

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